Decisions: What 15 Years of Therapy Has Taught Me

Today's blog is brought to you by a special friend of mine who asked to share with all of you what she has gained from her therapy experience. Enjoy!

Decisions.

Someone asked me recently, “If my life were a movie, what would be the title?” My answer was, “Decisions.” I’m sure I’ve had no more or less decisions than is typical, but I can point to so many instances in my life where I’ve come to a crossroads that would take things in a different and unrecognizable direction. Turn left, turn right, or keep straight. Option A or Option B. And sometimes options C, D, and E. Major crossroads of life. Some expected—attend Virginia Tech, or Howard University. Take this job after college or take that job after college. Live in this affordable apartment or splurge on the fancy one downtown. Say yes to this proposal…or stop it before it even happens. That one wasn’t so expected, at all. 

A lesson I know my Mother tried to teach me but still struggled to take hold like slippery hands clawing at the next rung on life’s ladder– life is a series of decisions. It’s true. Think about it—you wake up in the morning and immediately you get to decide what to do. Do you grab your phone to check your messages, or do you get down on your knees to pray? Do you brush your teeth before or after you shower? Do you wear the blue shirt or the red shirt? Which shoes do you put on? Do you have oatmeal for breakfast, or a donut, or do you skip breakfast altogether? Do you go to class today? Do you go to work today?

My Mother’s lesson was, make a decision. Then make another. But MAKE a decision.

This is where I’ve faltered. I’ve been in therapy for over 15 years now. Same therapist, same problems. The root of my strife is so often related to choice. Notice I said earlier, you GET to decide. It is a blessing that God gave us the privilege of choice. It is often, also, a burden. When faced with decisions where both (or all three) seem to be good options, how do you choose? I’m a very analytical person—I can run the pros and cons of a scenario within an instant. But I am also a dreamer. I know how to romanticize even the most problematic storyline (think of what Disney did with Beauty and the Beast). How am I to be expected to make a decision when I see beauty and possibility in each option? To complicate things further, I, like so many others, have a fear of loss. When you make a decision to choose one thing, it also means you are choosing to release the other. Trust me, I’ve tried desperately to hold on to more than one option so many times—it always ends in disaster. Besides, is it truly a choice if you try to hold onto both? Where is the commitment? Where, then, is the drive to make the choice you made work for you? No—you have to choose.

Or perhaps you don’t. The alternative is not choosing, though that, in of itself, is a choice. You may choose not to choose but one thing is then guaranteed—the choice will be made for you. This is what I’ve learned in therapy—there is POWER in the choice. Choosing grants ownership over the outcome, whatever that may be. Choosing allows for learning and growth. Choosing is a gift. Even if the choice goes horribly-- and I do mean horribly—wrong, at least you honor yourself in the choice. This is not to say you should make choices with abandon. No, you do your due diligence, you consider each option thoroughly, you have your reasons, you’re CLEAR on your reasons. Then, you choose. And no matter what, you will know that you made the best choice that you could in the moment. You regroup. Then you make another choice. Now, when things go horribly—and I do mean horribly—wrong, and you didn’t make a choice, but the choice was made for you, the regret of thinking that you may have made a better choice had you made one at all can be suffocating.

My years and years of therapy also taught me to release some of the romanticization of alternative life paths. Who is to say that had I chosen that other option, turned left instead of right, that things would be any different? Or any better? Truly, those roads could have led to death. Or sure, they could have left to everlasting bliss. But I will never know and so why even waste energy in feeding the emptiness that is a “shoulda, coulda, woulda.” Better, frankly, to assume that those other choices were simply wrong. Why not, right? If we’re going to be delusional anyways, breathing life into a potential that never was and never will be, why not do so in the way that serves us best.

So, my advice to you—

Consider your options carefully and thoughtfully.

Make a decision.

Then make another.

And remember, that down that other path, is an unknown that doesn’t serve you.

Look ahead to the next decision, because, surely, it is coming.